Sian Anderson takes south London based artist Tinie Tempah on the Ctrl.Alt.Shift verbal assault course. With a single called Hood Economics we find out whether Tinie is as 'Hood' as he is 'Economic' - can he survive the mission and live a life of poverty, disease and war? The reward? A bottle of port from our local corner shop...

Howdy Mr Tempah, let's start with your favourite holiday destination?
I'd say New York for the minute but only cause I haven't really been to many other countries.

And what's the most absurd and poverty-ridden situation you've witnessed in New York?
There was a guy sleeping under some scaffolding, and he was more or less naked, and it was freezing cold. He just had boxer shorts on. It was weird cause it was the really nice part of New York like 42nd and 43rd street so that was pretty bad.

So I guess you must have felt like a bit of a shitta walking past him fully clothed?
Cause I was fully clothed? Nah man I felt like he was a bit of a shitta cause he wasn't [laughs]. 

Wow. Harsh words, so if you had to move to a foreign country which country would it be and why?
Probably France, cause I could still get into London on the Eurostar.

Can you speak French?
Nah I can't. I like France, I've been there before. I'd move to Paris especially, it's romantic. Do you want to go to France for dinner? It only takes an hour to get there.

Sorry I'm broke, plus I don't have a passport.
I didn't think so.

And talking of being broke, the majority of the world live on under a pound a day. How would you live on that?
I'd spend it on pasta to get energy.

So no soap or toothpaste?
What? No, be serious, who cares about that? When you have to live on a pound a day you've got to eat. And I'd eat pasta.

But wouldn't you get something like eggs instead, wouldn't that go a lot further than pasta?
Nah cause I can't eat egg all day. Okay? I'd buy a big packet of pasta from Lidl's and boil it and eat pasta all day. Alright? [Laughs]

Sorry that's not alright. What about your family?
You said if 'you' had to live, you didn't say my family.

Selfish guy.
Yup. I'm just thinking about myself. [Laughs]

Cool. So which country would you like to invade and why?
I'd probably like to invade Nigeria and change it to make it a better place.

You want to invade your own country?
Yeah I do! And make it better.

What's wrong with Nigeria?
It should be like England. People should have wealth, there should be benefits, and it should just be different. There's a lot of money in Nigeria but it's always being mis-used.

If you could be any politician, dictator or world leader, who would you have been and why?
I'd be Barack Obama baby. I just wanna know how it feels! To be in that position... I know he must be under a lot of stress but I just want to know how it feels to have made such history. He's done one of the most historic things ever. So I'd love to be him.

Even though if he makes one wrong move he could be assassinated?
Look, he's not doing that job to be liked. When you're a boss, and you're in charge of your biz, you're not there to be liked! That's that way it is. Tell me a politician now who's liked?

Silence.
See, there isn't one.

I'm asking the questions here mister! What's the worse form of torture you can imagine?
Drowning. I'm proper scared of that. And that is torture cause if someone holds your head under the water and you can't get out that is just the worst way to die. Definitely.

Did you have a drowning incident when you were a child that's now haunting you for the rest of your life?
Nah, I've just got a really broad mind, so sometimes when I'm not doing anything I just think about the worst ways to die. Like drown.

So when you're swimming this fear must really creep up on you right?
I don't really swim. 

To avoid the drowning incident I bet. So how do you envisage your funeral?
Wow. Erm. You know, I want the world to definitely stop for a minute. Hopefully I've achieved enough in my life to do so when that day comes. I'd like a moment of silence. I'm not that fussy so a minute would be fine. And just a big party to celebrate my life.

So you want to be legendary. Cremation or burial?
I dunno yet, I don't know. We'll talk about that nearer the time.

So no requests... White doves? Blue flashing lights?
No! I don't focus on death I focus on life!

Say's the guy who thinks about drowning when he's bored. What would make you start a war?
Someone violating my mum. That would be a war!

A war of words or a war of mass destruction?
We're talking about my mum here! Mass destruction. I'm bringing down buildings mate.

Whilst we're on the subject of buildings, would you rather shoot a kid or let off a nuclear bomb in a building in central London?
[Uncontrollable laugher] wait, how am I supposed to win in a situation like that?

It's not a win/lose situation; soldiers in Iraq are faced with this scenario daily.
I'd shoot the kid. With a blank. Or a BB gun.

A BB gun?
Yeah, it's a fake gun, it sounds and looks like a real gun but it doesn't actually have any bullets in it. The kid can pretend he or she’s dead. Have you seen 'Live Man Running?' The kid can just pretend!

That's not an option. You can't tell a scared and vulnerable kid in Iraq to 'pretend to be shot' so you can't do it in this scenario either!
I'd just shoot the kid then. The kid's probably got the gun on them in the first place. I'd just borrow it and shoot em. [Laughs]

Pleasant.
I'm joking, and I hope I'm never in that situation, but if I bombed the whole of central London I'd be hurting more people than one. I'd never hurt an innocent.

You've just shot a kid. Congratulations.
Argh stop it, we could have all died, and we could have all been in Central London at the time!

What was the last film that made you do a little wee in your pants?
I've never done a wee in my pants. But if you're talking scary films it's probably one of the Disney ones when I was a little kid. Actually, have you ever seen a film called Freddie? It was about a Frog. That was scary. He's like an agent and he has to fight an evil witch.

So you just shot a kid and you're scared of 'Freddie'. I'm starting to paint a picture of you here Tinie. One or the other lucky dip okay, Samurai sword or AK-47?
For what?

If I just said, you can walk up the high street now with an AK-47 or a Samari sword, which one would you pick?
Which high street?
 
Brixton... now PICK!
AK-47

And what does that do?
It shoots init. If it were a battle though I'd pick the Samari swords so we could have a duel. Like what the French people do... En-guard!

I see. What's the most bizarre food you've ever eaten?
I haven't really eaten anything weird. And the more bizarre it is the better for me. I kinda think that wherever I am it's not really bizarre cause in every single country whatever you perceive as bizarre is a delicacy somewhere else.

You're getting good at this. Last person who saw you naked?
[Laughs] my b****, seriously. My dog, it's not a person, but that’s my b**** man.

That's real love. Three things you're listening to right now?
A Range-Rover driving past, my tour-bus reversing and you.

Describe south London in one word?
Beautiful. It's absolutely gorgeous. You can use whichever one of those words you like. South London is amazing!

What song did you used to dance to when you jumped on your mum's bed as a kid?
The Vitalite advert. It used to go [sings] whooooyyyyy yoyyyyyyyyyyy vitaliteeeeeee.

Pleasant, let hope you keep up the emceeing Tinie, singing's not your strong point.

Tinie Tempah is currently supporting platinum album artists N-Dubz on their christmas tour. Click here to get tickets.